It’s been a hot minute. Travels and meal prepping and law school and work and oh my! In the past three weeks, I have been in Colorado, North Carolina, and New York. I have celebrated birthdays, competed in a national competition, taken a midterm and dealt with car troubles. What does that mean?? I’ve been slacking on my goals for the year. It’s funny how life can get in the way of itself. I haven’t been meal prepping or exercising regularly and as you all can tell I haven’t been blogging. But it wasn’t a total crap-shoot. In NYC I managed to still sneak in a workout here and there and tried to be a little conscious of what I ate… except this crack pie… which is the most amazing thing ever.

I used to be afraid of routine, which really just turned out to be an actual fear of being boring and insignificant. That fear is sometimes still alive today, but after these past three weeks of not having a routine I have felt pretty lost. It’s funny how one little change can throw off your mind, spirit and body. A small change in a sleep routine can cause fatigue and in my case the slight return of depression. A small change in a food routine can take away from the creative release of cooking and can cause some stomach issues. A small change in an exercise routine can take away from the ability to fight anxiety. What I’ve learned from these past three weeks is that I need these simple routines in order to have proper balance in life.

And that balance is super important right now. Every day people are like “law school is almost over,” “the end is near,” “you are almost done!” And while I have been super excited that the complexities of law school are coming to an end and my life returns to just a job and enjoying friends and loved ones, I’m also every day fighting the fear that is creeping up. The end of school means that everything changes again. Usually change isn’t too bad, but this change comes with a $204k price tag and an uncertain future to pay for it. People all around are getting job offers or figuring out their next steps (and I know its not everyone) and I’m in this weird limbo.

While some people may find that uncertainty invigorating and refreshing, I find it terrifying. And maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should really embrace it and try to find that release, that refreshing feeling that the future is wide open. How do people do that? I’ve been trying to find that feeling my whole life and maybe this is the time to really dig deep and look for it.

I’m hoping that the balance found in choosing myself and being in a routine allows me to find that refreshing outlook about the future. Having crippling anxiety and an uncertain future is not the best combo, but I think I’m handling it pretty well. Moral of the story: if you feel out of sorts, find what gives you balance, bask in the sun, and maybe try to chase the thrill of uncertainty with me. Who knows what adventures it may bring…