What a week it has been. It’s only week 6 of the year but damn, I’m already feeling drained this year. Part of it is being in law school and juggling too many things. The other part is this constant pressure of needing to be “on.” Does anyone else feel that constant pressure? I know it may be in my head but its always there. That constant pressure to be the best, to eat right, to look perfect, to treat others with kindness no matter what, to always say yes and be the responsible one, the one that keeps things a float, to be the one who holds it all together for everyone around me. And you know what, this week, even in my meal prep that showed.
As you will see, the pictures below are beautiful, but you know what, I found myself not wanting to eat these beautiful creations. Why? Because when I sat down to eat, I didn’t see me in these foods. I tried so hard to put together an all-star menu this week packed with veggies and health foods, but that’s not me. There are glimpses of me in each food this week, but only glimpses, and that’s not how life should be. Life should be full of color and fun and you. You should be in every part of your life, not just in glimpses and thats how I want to live my life, how I need to start living my life.
But the real struggle here is not knowing how to do that. I started 2019 fully believing this would be the year of Kristina, yet, What the heck does that even mean?? Also, how do you change directions when things in the past are pulling you back? 2018 Kristina signed up to do a competition to help someone out, and 2019 Kristina is hating herself for saying she’d do this. 2018 Kristina would allow other people to eat whatever they wanted of hers, whereas 2019 Kristina wants boundaries. So there’s that issue. How the heck do I undo past decisions without pissing people off?
And maybe that’s the issue. I’m too afraid of pissing people off and let people walk all over me, but then I get upset when I am being taken advantage of. It’s like I try to trick my brain into believing that if I don’t piss people off and I am agreeable with others, then they will do the same for me and not take advantage of me, but show me the same respect that I am showing them. It’s like putting kale on a “pizza” and let’s just say, it doesn’t really work out. So that’s where my head has been this week. I’m stuck between living the life I want, without pissing other people off or letting people down.
Let’s hope this next week is better. At least I know the food will be better. Three words: spaghetti and meatballs.